Moving Day - a day of change, of moving forward, of realizing part of your dreams. I've been looking forward to this day with mixed feelings. I know that the change will be better for my family, will be better for me. But it is a bittersweet day. Today marks the first anniversary of my mother's passing.

Out of all the people in my life Mom was always there for me. I was never a bad kid but I moved through life slowly, kind of directionless for a while (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?). But the one thing I always saw from Mom, despite my seeming lack of ambition, was that I was never a disappointment to her. Oh, I'm sure there were times she wanted to smack me upside the head but she never let on. I try to be that way with my own kids; sometimes I am successful.

Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in late 1999. She disclosed to to my sister-in-law Nancy, a nurse, when she was visiting here from her home in Virginia. What we didn't know was that Mom was aware of the tumors for about a year. Nancy took her back home with her, but by this time the disease had metastasized, which I came to understand meant little chance of recovery. Radiation treatment got rid of the tumors in her breast but a few months later it appeared in her lymph nodes. She began chemotherapy in mid 2000. The chemo treatments were devastating to her. She was a small woman, 5'1" and barely 100 pounds. She took the treatments on Tuesdays and they disabled her until the weekend. By the time she was feeling well enough it was time for another treatment. She always help out hope the treatments would work but that hope wained as time wore on. By December 2004 she had had enough. She told me that she was stopping the treatments, that she would let the disease run it's course. Although this decision did not sit well with my brothers and their families I was proud of her for taking back her life. I visited her daily but as a single parent I could not give her the care she needed. In April 2005 she moved to my brother James' house where she stayed until she died. Although I knew the day was coming you're still not quite prepared for that call.

The funeral was very hard, and it was the only time my boys have seen me cry. They seemed shocked by this and I knew they did not understand, and will only know that when it is my turn. I am writing this when they are not around so they do not see it again.

So today I'm moving back into the house where I grew up - her house. I've made a lot of changes to make it my own, old walls gone, new walls up, a different atmosphere. And yet every time I'm in there I feel that there is something missing. And there is. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away.

So soft your eyes
Pulls me inside
And I think of all I have not seen
How I've lived my life within a dream
Until right now

So warm your smile
Holds me awhile
And I feel the cold pulled from my heart
Like it should have been right from the start
It feels just right

In the quiet night I wondered when a change would come
Or if a change was ever meant to be
Suddenly I woke one day to find another view
To learn that all along
The change was me

So deep your soul
That brings me home
And I know I have to search no more
Now I see what I was looking for
I found myself

What a discouraging morning in the gym. I can't squat worth a shit. Form sucks. Grrrrrrrrrr. Gotta figure out how to fix this. Worked on chinups, did 4 negatives as advised by my trainer ;-) 10 second drops. Those were fun. And a pretty girl smiled at me in the store last night, so I guess it's not all bad.

Dear Diary......

That's what this feels like sometimes. And when I don't post anything for a few days I feel like "Jeez, you need a life". But that's not really true. As you all know from your own experiences Life comes at you from all sides, at all times. It's how you duck and dodge that makes it.

So I've been working at the house for the last few days, long days. Well, I call it working. The friend helping me seems to think it's something else. I'll be the first to admit that home repair is not my thing. But then again it's something I've never had to do, having lived as a renter for many years. And this guy has been doing this for as many years as I've been renting. But rather than show me how to do what he needed done he pushed on by himself. And then bitched to someone else about how incompetent I am. He's been really cranky with me the last few days so we'll have to see how this pans out. He's a good guy but lacks in his spackle/sand/paint-side manner.

Anyway the update is that the downstairs is all painted, the upstairs is primed and ready to go. Moldings should go in on Wednesday and the floor work should start on Thursday. I'm still trying to get in by 5/31, looks like I'll be cutting it close. Once I get in I'll have pics posted, before and after. I like the way it's coming out. I have to hold off on some of the things I planned to do, like new furniture, as some of the repairs went over budget. But it will be good to get in there. I think. :-)

That's it for now. I'm looking forward to a nice peaceful evening, rest up for tomorrow, try and hit the gym early (I know, do or do not, there is no try). I'll be there. Have to get the fat loss in gear so I'll be doing Craig's TT program. Peace all.

172 this morning. That's 16 pounds since early April. The damn Omron says 22% BF. Doesn't feel that way, or look it. Hmmmm. Diets been OK, I am probably a little low on calories. But I know the workouts caused a lot, and working on the house has helped.

How low do I go?

Can't sleep again
Can't turn it off
Not that I want to
Too deep again
You'd think I'd learn
No, never will
There's the flaw
Cover it up
So no one sees
There's the door
I can go through
Not this time
No more running
Stand and stay
Take the bruises
Take the pain

The Chris Update

So, it's official. He's in the Army. But there was an interesting turn of events.

When he failed his hearing test for the second time they gave him a waiver on the test. He went back for his psychiatric test and passed. As he was getting ready to sign up they told him he could not qualify for tank training because of the hearing waiver. Needless to say he was pissed. His recruiter should have told him this. One of the other recruiters took him aside and talk to him for an hour. Because he scored so high on his apptitude test he apparantly could pick any job he wanted.

So after much deliberation he has settled on combat engineer. Those are the guys that build the temporary facilities and bridges when there is a campaign going on. A little more out of the line of fire. So he'll be leaving on June 15th for 16 weeks of basic training. After that he'll have his choice of which base he wants to be stationed at. One of his choices is Hawaii. I think he's leaning to that one.

All in all he seems happier with this choice. He had talked about switching his major at college to engineering or architecture so now he'll be getting the training and being paid for it.

I must say I'm happier with this choice.

(PS The workouts are continuing, I'm just not posting them. Posting does not really motivate me, and I know what I have been doing).

Missed the last 2 days in the gym due to a sore back. I twisted it Wednesday morning and it's been hurting since then. On Wednesday it hurt only when I was sitting so I spent a lot of time standing and kneeling at my desk. Not an easy workday. I got up early Thursday and Friday but the soreness was still there, although it is less today. I can do bodyweight exercises, which I have been, but don't want to take a chance with any kind of weight right now. I'm hoping it will be good tomorrow. I don't want to stay away too long as these leg workouts are intense and that's the area I suffer with DOMS the most. And that only happens when I don't workout. Once I get into it I no longer get and soreness. DOMS are definitely a motivator for keeping me in the gym.

Heard this song by Seal the other night while I was out shopping. Damn, I wish I could write like this.

"Love's Divine"
Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realized my mistake
But time threw a prayer, to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bend (don't bend), don't break (don't break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there's nothing wrong
But inside I felt me lying all along
But the message here was plain to see
Believe me

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bend (don't bend), don't break (don't break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake '
Cause love can help me know my name
Love can help me know my name.

DAMMIT!! Slept through the alarm and missed the workout. Maybe my body was trying to tell me something. I have had trouble sleeping (again) lately. Too much on my mind and not enough mind to handle it. Like they say "A mind is a terrible thing to waste" and I can feel mine wasting away right now.

So hopefully I'm rested so I don't miss the workout tomorrow. I'm feeling good about the workouts and feel I'm getting results. Some people have noticed a change so that's good. Helps to keep the motivation up. And I am feeling pretty motivated, which is a good thing.

So it looks like Chris will get in. On Thursday when he went for his physical he failed the hearing test. He went to the doctor to have his ears flushed (he does get a lot of wax in them). But the doctor said he had a lot of dried wax in the right ear and he would probably fail the test again.

Sure enough he failed the test this morning. They made him take the results to the doctor in charge, who looked at them and said he was borderline and passed him on the test. So on May 9th he goes back for a psychiatric test (he's not nuts) and should he pass then he will be sworn in and be ready for basic training. He has said he will request leaving the first week of June. So if that's how it works he will be in from June 2006 until January 2010. To me that's a long time.

On the plus side, she likes when I call her "babe". And I do too.

The Mission - Today's Workout

Deadlifts

5 reps @ 165 lbs. 180 sec rest
5 reps @ 159 lbs. 180 sec rest
5 reps @ 152 lbs. 180 sec rest
5 reps @ 146 lbs. 2 sets 90 sec rest
5 reps @ 143 lbs 90 sec rest
5 reps @ 138 lbs 2 sets 90 sec rest
5 reps @ 133 lbs 2 sets 90 sec rest

DB Bench Press

5 reps @ 50 lbs. 3 sets 180 sec rest
5 reps @ 45 lbs. 3 sets 90 sec rest
5 reps @ 40 lbs 4 sets 90 sec rest