The Spark

23.8% on the Omron this morning. That works out to 41 lbs of fat. That got this lardass back in the gym right quick this morning.

Motivation - Getting the Spark

I've been having some difficulty motivating myself lately. And I really can't pinpoint it to something that is causing this. I have no complaints about how life is treating me, I'm healthy, have good kids, great friends, nice place to live, good job. But I have this general malaise that has crept in and I can't seem to shake it. And I'm usually pretty good at shaking it off. And that probably has me worried more than anything. Rather than coming out of this I'm in a holding pattern. I need to find that spark. But where?

Pray for Joe

Joe Pierce has moved into the thick of things. Joe is in the Army and had been stationed in Germany for the past year and a half. Joe is in an armored division working in tanks. On Sunday his group moved from Germany to a staging area in Kuwait. From there they will be heading to Baghdad, which should happen in a few days. His tour over there should be about 1 year and if all goes well he should be discharged in November 2007.

I've known Joe for about 6 years, since he was 14. He was a real punk kid, but a product of the environment his mother created for him. His mother gave up on him and he came to live with my friends Linda and Joe. In 6 years they took this punk kid and turned him into a fine young man. I know Joe and I know he's over there and he's not afraid. He's been trained well and he'll use that training to be safe and do his job. I'll still be praying for his safe return to his family.

The Challenge Met

I went out to the see the boys this weekend. I haven't seen Sean or Scott since June 28th, the longest time we've been apart ever. They've been staying with their grandparents out in Sag Harbor, NY for the summer. This is the third summer they have gone out there. The grandparents, Jim and Diane, don't get to see them a lot during the year so they really enjoy having them out there. And the kids seem to really enjoy it too, playing a lot of golf and spending a lot of time at the beach.

The golf was the main reason for the trip. The grandmother gets them a summer membership at a 9 hole course in Sag Harbor so they are out there almost every day hitting balls. Sean has been telling me he's playing a lot better and wanted me to come out so he can beat me. Not try to beat me, actually beat me at the game. Since he has about 25 rounds under his belt I did my best to prepare - which was absolutely nothing. I had not even picked up my clubs until I put them in the car on Friday to drive out to meet them. We played at Cherry Creek Golf Links in Riverhead, somewhere I've never played. It took a few holes to start hitting the ball better but in the end I had to disappoint Sean. I beat him by 6 strokes. Not that I played a great round but he seemed to forget I've been playing this game for 30 years and that it would com back to me quickly.

Scott's game had improved a lot, too. I gave him a couple of tips on hitting his drives and irons and he used them and started hitting the ball much better. So much so that on Sunday he reached a short par 5 in two and lipped out the eagle putt. He was smiling from ear to ear after that one. We spent some time at the beach on Saturday, the ocean was warm and he must have stayed in the water for 2 hours just body-surfing the waves.

So I have another month without them, although I may go out there again before summer is over. It was good to see them and they seemed happy to see me. And seeing them after all this absence made me realize that I've done a pretty good job with them. They really are good young men.

What Changes?

I started thinking about friendships today. Actually, a conversation I was having with a friend started me thinking about it. I was thinking not about the friends I have but the ones that got away. What was it that made them end?

There are some you can't control. Like the friends that move away. Nothing really changed the friendship except the distance. You both have different lives to be lead and keeping in touch is not as easy as it seems (actually, it is, it's usually just a commitment that is needed). And when you think of them you know that they are still your friend, and that they feel the same way, and that's a comforting thought.

There are friendships that you should have controlled. Those end usually with a stupid word bring said, or a stupid deed being done. Some you can look back on and say the friendship was gone before the action happened, and that it would have happened later had it not happened then. With others you realize that the action was a mistake. But sometimes the damage has been done and there is no way to recover from it. Perhaps the amount of forgiveness needed is greater than the strength that was in the friendship, the hurt to great to overcome. Pride kicks in too, foolishly. And the passage of time makes it tough to go back. I look back at these and feel a sadness for what is lost and hope that I have learned the lesson that it gives.

Then there are the friendships that just seem to drift apart. These are the ones that stymie me the most. It's with someone where there is mutual caring and love and yet a gap seems to start to grow. And it's recognized by both of you but it keeps getting wider. And you get to the point where you don't think you can bridge that gap, or worse, you don't try. Why does this happen? What changes? Why do you feel that you can't communicate with this person in the same fashion - open and honest - as you did before?

That's what I feel it comes down to, the ability to communicate as you did before. An insecurity comes out, which to me doesn't make sense. Being you is what made the friendship strong, same as your friend being themselves. And an apathy that was never present before is there. Apathy sure wasn't what made the friendship a success.

In a world where we try to get someone to accept us and to love us, and where we were obviously successful, for some reason we let it go. I dont get it.